Lovingly Confronting Someone Resistant to Change

It can be legitimately difficult knowing how to help someone you know needs to change some aspect of their life, yet they themselves are mixed (at best) in terms of their own desire to change that habit or way of living. In these cases – whether it’s with a family member, friend, or counselee – it can be tempting to take a very direct approach. And there may be a place for that. Unfortunately, if that direct approach is taken too early, it may only increase the resistance. To facilitate discussing how to engage with someone who does not seem to want to change a destructive habit, I’m going to use a term from the counseling world – “rolling with resistance” – as my excuse for talking about how to move forward in this kind of situation.

What is “rolling with resistance?” What is its purpose?

Rolling with resistance is a method of relating to someone who needs to change but is resistant. While the temptation is often to address where someone should be when it comes to a particular struggle or a series of poor choices, meeting them where they actually are may be more effective.

This method serves as an alternative to automatically landing early in the process at some other (often more extreme) conclusions:

1. “They must not want to change. I can’t help or counsel them.”
2. “They’re purposefully living in sin.”
3. “Only God can change them.” (This is true, but this statement can also mean “Only God can help them; I certainly can’t.”)

Much of the benefit of rolling with resistance is wrapped up in its ability to navigate ambivalence. Ambivalence here refers to wanting two contradictory things at the same time. For example, a man who wants to provide financially for his family but also keeps getting laid off because he mouths off to co-workers is desiring two mutually exclusive things: to care for his family and to allow anger to get the best of him. Another example would be an individual who wants to be physically healthy but continues to eat fast food for most meals and rarely exercises. These cannot all remain true; the realization of one desire will necessarily exclude another desire. By listening for these discrepancies, a friend can gently voice the reality that there are competing desires that mutually exclude one another.

By raising these observations (as observations, not as items to fight over), the resistant individual may become aware for the first time what may seem obvious to you. “Much of pastoral counseling and Christian ministry assumes that the individual seeking help is ready to receive instruction and application. If we get ahead of the person seeking help, we can be both ‘right’ and ‘ineffective.’” In other words, rolling with resistance doesn’t mean not calling out sin or danger, but it does mean acknowledging that not everyone is at the same starting point. If we get too direct with someone too soon who is not even motivated to change in the first place, we could do more harm than good. Rolling with resistance is not directive in its style, but it can “till the soil” to be eventually be more directive by giving a person every chance to respond first.

What does “rolling with resistance” look like in action?

Rolling with resistance helps to assess where someone is in their change journey:

1. Pre-contemplation. This person doesn’t see a need to change, because they don’t see a problem. If someone tries to confront them with a need to change, this will likely be met with overt resistance or anger.
2. Contemplation. They are starting to consider the pros and cons of change. Ambivalence is occurring. This is where a helper or friend might ask what would be gained if sacrifices were made (i.e., what would have to be given up)?
3. Preparation. Hopes and plans are no longer abstract, they are concrete. Both external (environment) and internal (motivational) obstacles are taken into account so they won’t surprise. Perhaps others are brought in to help. Strategy is the name of the game here.
4. Action. Plans are enacted. Progress is made (and perhaps relapses as well). “Techniques become habits and habits become a lifestyle.”
5. Maintenance. Endurance and creating a stable environment that is conducive to health is the goal at this stage. Not only are former bad habits jettisoned, new and healthier habits have become habituated and are leading to joy. Perhaps old damaged relationships are mended.

Why is “rolling with resistance” helpful and effective?

This method is beneficial because it gives the helper modest, doable objectives while also not “spooking” their friend. Having these modest goals enables the helper to be calm (i.e., to not feel as if they have to argue their friend into the right position). The friend’s role is to serve as a mirror to help the individual see their situation and self more accurately as discrepancies are noted in their ambivalent desires. For example, the person who drinks alcohol to the point of drunkenness may enjoy the feeling of escape, but they cannot simultaneously be all they were meant to be in terms of caring for their children.

As this discrepancy is gently raised to the surface, the level of motivation and commitment to change may rise. If you shoot for the ultimate goal with someone who lacks the desire to change, it’s a losing effort. Therefore the first goal needs to be to raise motivation for change in the first place. “Going directly after the problem with someone who doesn’t want to change only creates more resistance.” By taking a non-directive approach early on that focuses on what a person cares most about, it becomes easier to focus on the issue getting in the way of what they care about, instead of on the person.

Not surprisingly, individuals are more likely to change if they arrive at conclusions rather than being told by someone else what they should or should not do. Rolling with resistance provides a way to make it more likely that a person comes to conclusions in a way that they can own.

Is “rolling with resistance” biblical? If so, how?

I can appreciate how some may push back on the goodness of rolling with resistance. It may feel like “beating around the bush” or not “calling a spade a spade.” That said, I do think this approach can be squared biblically. Here are some reasons why:

• Rolling with resistance reminds us of the importance of desires. God himself appeals to our desires; he never gives us any commands “just because.” Psalm 34:8 says, “Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!”
• I can’t want a counselee or friend to change more than they do themselves. Forced change won’t last. Therefore, I strive to draw out and magnify desires they have that are in keeping with their good.
• Rolling with resistance acknowledges that it’s human nature to resist change if we feel like we’re being coerced into it. However, if we come to that conclusion ourselves, we’re going to have “buy-in.” We’re cknowledging the reality that timing is different for different individuals.
• Rolling with resistance acknowledges that people have multiple goals simultaneously, but these goals often clash. Which goal is highest?
• Rolling with resistance acknowledges that change can feel scary to someone. It’s humanizing. Baby steps are small, but real. “There is no way to make people like change. You can only make them feel less threatened by it.”
• This approach enables you to be a peace-keeper by first allowing your friend to “come to water” before you may get more directive. In this way, it avoids premature confrontation.
• Rolling with resistance allows someone to argue with their own feelings and values instead of with you.
• This approach reminds us to express empathy. To feel the squeeze of contradictory emotions is not fun. Empathy helps someone believe we “get” them.
• Rolling with resistance puts words to the reality that “People are more likely to change when they can see that their actions are not in line with their values.”
• It would be great if individuals would just respond to a directive approach, but this is often more idealistic than realistic. And if we’re honest with ourselves, we know that we, too, would usually prefer to be on the receiving end of a tactful approach. “You can get more flies with honey than with vinegar” is an appropriate slogan for us here.
• Proverbs 20:5 states, “Good advice lies deep within the heart, a person of understanding will draw it out.” While it may not be “good advice” that you are seeking to draw out from your struggling friend, it is nevertheless true that wise and discerning questions will reveal what really drives and motivates an individual. The “rolling with resistance” approach is an expression of this reality.