Marks of Someone Who Is a “Relational Shelter”

This post was birthed as a result of an interaction I had some time ago with an individual. This person was verbally vitriolic towards a particular struggle that many people have. This person was not directing the attack at me, but was just telling me his feelings regarding the issue. But even though he was not directing his words at me, the first thought that went through my head was, “You would not be the kind of person I come to if I were struggling with ______ issue.”

This person (who I actually really liked talking to overall) was not what I would call a “relational shelter.” To him, there were some groups of people he was so opposed to from the jump (because of a particular struggle) that there was no wiggle room for much conversation or seeing a different perspective. If I were an individual quietly experiencing that particular issue, and I heard this person voice their disapproval, I would keep my mouth shut. To open up in the presence of this person would be to risk open disdain and attack (or so it would feel).

I can’t help but think of Jesus’s words, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” Were there times when Jesus spoke hard words, confrontational words, words that his hearers did not like? Absolutely. But I would suggest they did not define him. And when he did speak a hard word, it was always out of love from a sincere heart. He was imminently approachable. Jesus had a backbone of steel, but it was his compassion that drew people to him.

If someone came to you feeling weary from the burdens of life – they’ve just lost their job, have a child struggling with same-sex attraction, or are wrestling with dispositional depression – how would you respond? Perhaps more importantly, how would they feel as a result of talking with you? I love this quote by Sam Allberry: “We want, in the church, to be the Rivendell for those who have just been on Weathertop.” (If “Rivendell” and “Weathertop” are foreign terms for you, read or watch The Lord of the Rings.) In other words, sometimes individuals find themselves in trouble because of belligerent sinful choices on their part. But sometimes they find themselves in trouble because of no desire on their part, or perhaps they have made poor choices but nevertheless have an inkling of a desire to change. Sam Allberry is getting at the godly impulse – especially for the second category of individuals I just mentioned – to want to be a safe haven where stability and healing could have a chance to take place because someone has been in your presence.

I’m also going to let John Newton, the 18th century preacher who is best known for his hymn “Amazing Grace,” be my excuse to explore a bit more what a person who is a “relational shelter” looks like. “Habitual tenderness” was Newton’s way of describing how he believed a Christian should live towards others. He wrote to a friend that a Christian “believes and feels his own weakness and unworthiness, and lives upon the grace and pardoning love of his Lord. This gives him an habitual tenderness and gentleness of spirit.” One contemporary of Newton stated that “[Newton’s] house was an asylum for the perplexed or afflicted.” People loved Newton because they knew he loved them. He cared deeply for them as they were.

A pastor in a neighboring parish to that of Newton was theologically liberal and mocked Newton’s spiritual stances. Newton, however, spoke and treated him kindly in return. This other pastor, Thomas Scott, later stated of Newton, “Under discouraging circumstances, I had occasion to call upon him; and his discourse so comforted and edified me, that my heart, being by this means relieved from its burden, became susceptible of affection for him.”

Could a person struggling with depression come to you? Could someone wrestling with theological questions come to you? Could a person steeped in a homosexual lifestyle come to you? Based on your disposition to them, would they want to? Would a patient love and understanding for them as people shine through? Or would disdain and a minimizing of their struggle be the major note that sounds through from your words and demeanor?

Who is a version of Thomas Scott for you? To the degree that we take the spirit of that first line in Newton’s signature hymn to heart, to that degree we will be a “relational shelter” to others when those times present themselves. God “saved a wretch like me.”