A Friend Just Lost an Unbelieving Loved One to Death: What Do I Say, Think, and Do?

The Experience

Most of us have likely faced this scenario. If we have not to this point, we will. Someone you are close to—a dear friend, a family member, someone in your church small group, a neighbor—just had a loved one die. To the best of your knowledge, the person who died was not a Christian, and your friend knows it.

The sadness is palpable. Ah, but sadness is too light a word for this. Despair feels like the more accurate description—for both you and your friend. Your friend is trying to reconcile God’s character and biblical theology with the eternal destiny of a loved one they will never see again. And you? You feel the agonizing pressure to say something helpful and hopeful, but you are walking the tightrope of trying to comfort your friend while not being theologically shallow or artificial (a very easy trap to fall into). How on earth is anyone supposed to be perfectly “balanced” as they traverse this seemingly impossible canyon? With God’s help, it is possible to be faithful to His Word and your friend simultaneously, but this ability does not equate to ease or an absence of deep distress. Give yourself permission for this to be gut-wrenching. Some things ought to feel this way. So take some solace in the fact that even though this journey with your friend will stretch you uncomfortably, the very tension you feel is a sign that you are agreeing with God about the appropriate grief that accompanies living in a fallen world.

Different Than the Death of a Believer

The tears that correspond to an unbeliever’s death are categorically different than the tears shed for someone who has put their trust in the mercy and grace of God in Jesus. A popular passage for those surviving the death of a loved one is 1 Thessalonians 4:13. Here, the apostle Paul is offering comfort to believers whose loved ones have already died. He says, “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep [dead], that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” He is offering this comfort on the grounds that the deceased had put their hope in God. Paul does not extend this word of comfort to all people indiscriminately. People die every day without God, and this should rightly break our hearts as it did for Paul elsewhere (Rom. 9:1-3). It is a small wonder that one noted pastor has stated publicly that he would rather officiate the funeral of a Christian who died from suicide than the funeral of an individual who, by all accounts, never trusted in Christ for salvation.

What to Do: Three Items to Consider

So the question remains—what do you do? How do you respond to your friend? There are, I believe, at least three things you can do that simultaneously honors God and your friend.

First, you can weep with him or her. Don’t skip past this. In an effort to jump ahead, offer answers, and “really do something,” the solidarity with your friend via grieving together can easily be missed. And we are biblically on very solid ground here. Paul tells believers to “weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). The wider context of this particular verse does not seem to make a distinction between grieving with believers or unbelievers. If anything, the surrounding verses seem to situate Paul’s instruction more so in relation to living among unbelievers. This means that even if your friend did not know Jesus, you could still unreservedly weep with them over the loss. As a fellow Christian with an eternal perspective, you have all the more reason to do so. The death of Jesus’ dear friend Lazarus (John 11:28-37) reveals the heart of our Savior when confronted with death. Jesus wept and was “deeply moved” (v. 33), likely indicating His righteous anger at the reality of death. Notice two things about this event. First, He was grieved by death itself, even though Lazarus was a believer and was about to be resurrected. Secondly, Jesus is divine, yes. But He is also the perfect human. The only perfect human who walked the face of earth and never sinned was grieved to the point of tears. To weep with your friend is appropriate and Christ-like.

Secondly, it may be worth verbally reminding your friend that the eternal destiny of their loved one is not known with absolute certainty by anyone except God alone. This can easily go off into a sort of universalism, and many sadly do take it in this direction. The average funeral is a testament to this. However, this reminder need not be unfaithful to biblical hope and theology. Even as we cannot say, “We grieve with hope,” the thief on the cross next to Christ (Luke 23:43) and the parable of the laborers in the vineyard (Matt. 20:1-16) remind us that some individuals do come to salvation extremely late in life, even on their deathbed. As one pastor has so well pointed out concerning the thief on the cross next to Jesus, consider how shocked any God-fearing relatives must have been to see him in Heaven! This is not to give false hope, and deathbed salvations are not to be presumed upon; we urge everyone to “Seek the Lord while He may be found” (Isa. 55:6). But we also do well to remember that God’s grace can reach into the unlikeliest soul at the unlikeliest moment.

Third—and this is ultimately where you must gently guide your friend—we lean hard on the goodness and perfect justice of God. Abraham, contemplating the fate of the city of Sodom, states rhetorically in Genesis 18:25, “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do what is just?” Essentially, Abraham is saying of and to God, “Far be it from You to do anything except what is right!” This means we lean with all of our volitional and emotional weight on this truth: that God is not a millimeter short of perfect goodness, love, and justice in every single one of His dealings with people. This does not mean we don’t wrestle in our hearts. Paul himself seems to presuppose we will have questions concerning God’s goodness and the eternal state of people (Rom. 9). But in the end, Paul’s response is submission to God’s wisdom and goodness (Rom. 9:20). So it must be with us.

In the aftermath of such a tragedy, this may not be immediately what you tell your friend. Timing and tact matter, and your friend may or may not have the wherewithal to hear such a statement yet. But Genesis 18:25 must guide your thinking. Your first response is to weep with your friend and support him/her. And if and when your friend voices some variation of the question “Is my loved one really in Hell?” or “How could God allow that?” you gently remind your friend of Genesis 18:25. You do not necessarily need to cite chapter and verse, though you might. However, you recount the supreme justice of God, which ties in with His unparalleled perfect goodness. He is not merely fair; He is good toward His creatures. The mercy of God is on full display in His response to Abraham regarding the wicked city of Sodom. “For the sake of ten [people] I will not destroy it” (Gen. 18:32). God does not get angry or impatient with Abraham for interceding for Sodom; He would gladly have relented. We see similar instances of intercession later with Moses (Ex. 32-33) and with Jesus (Luke 23:34).

We lean hard on the justice, goodness, and mercy of God. “God does not do anything we will not ultimately approve someday.” We cling tightly to this. One day—and it may not be until Heaven—your friend’s feelings and thinking will catch up and fully agree with that statement. Be patient with your friend. He/she is grieving, and grief of this sort does not “play by the rules.” We often say and do things we do not actually mean when we are in pain. “Why have you [God] forgotten me?” is the cry of David (Ps. 42:9). It is unlikely that David really believes God has abandoned him. So why does he say this? He says it because that’s how his situation feels. There is no indication that God ditched him or treated him harshly for voicing such a sentiment. One day, your friend—if he/she says similar things in their current sadness—may very well look back on this time with deep gratitude for God’s kindness, patience, and tenderness for them. And for your embodiment of these qualities on their behalf.

A Final Word

One more thing. There is coming a day when God will make everything right that sin has corrupted. We need this hope in order to persevere. Prior to His crucifixion, Jesus told His disciples, “So you also have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you” (John 16:22). The apostle John, referring to the essence of what Heaven will be like for the Redeemed, says of God, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Rev. 21:4). Ask God for wisdom. When you detect the moment is fitting, remind your friend of this hope. God told us these things because He knows we would need to hear them. We need reminding. One day your friend will actually see Jesus face to face. And somehow, some way, without retroactively minimizing or dishonoring the pain your friend is going through right now, Jesus will transform everything that has been ruined into something beautiful. Your friend will be content in a way that cannot be fathomed now. That time is coming. It is coming.