Reflections on a Sermon on Avoiding Marital Failure

This is a sermon reflection on how to avoid marital failure. I listened to this sermon by pastor Alistair Begg a couple of months ago. The following main points are taken from him (in bold), sprinkled with a mingling of additional notes/observations by him and me (the lion’s share by him).

Preliminary thoughts:

• Few things are more painful than marriages that have disintegrated.
• Individuals who are currently single must not think the points below have no importance for them. Don’t be naïve. Learn ahead of time from the mistakes and insights of others. Whether or not you yourself ever marry, these things will make you
  the kind of friend who strengthens the marriages of others.
• Marital failure usually is not owing to the extreme but to failure to do the basic things well.

16 points:

1. Don’t be so foolish as to believe marriage failure could not happen to you. Beware a cavalier sense of bravado that leads to believing you’re uniquely impervious to harmful outside influences and to the wickedness of your own heart. If you think marriage failure is “what happens to other people,” you’re in danger (1 Cor. 10:12). Consider how many times you have heard it said, “I would never have guessed that would happen to ___________’s marriage! Not them!” You and I are not somehow above this same danger. This is not meant to lead to paralyzing fear, but to a sober realism that leads you to rely on Christ and carefully steward what he’s given you.
2. Don’t assume a great marriage can be discovered and enjoyed without some really hard work. Think of a “healthy marriage” as a verb more than a noun. In other words, it is not simply a thing that happens. It requires care and effort. Laziness here could lead to disaster (Prov. 24:30-31).
3. Don’t allow the busyness of life to lead to neglect. Life is full of good things and activities. But these are not all equally important. In order to say yes to the most important things (e.g., marriage), we must say no to other good things.
4. Don’t take each other for granted. “…[Y]ou husbands must give honor to your wives.” (1 Pet. 3:7) As one example from a husband’s perspective, taking his wife for granted could happen when his wife is the home-maker, and he’s his job with “professional” working women. For husbands, beware comparing your wife (at 7 am, as she corrals the needy and complaining children) to the woman in a sharp business-casual attire at your work place who is “put together.”
5. Don’t dig up old failures or past disappointments. Not that you will forget these, but don’t weaponize them against your spouse. Beware what you fixate on; we have an immense capacity for remembering and weaponizing past disappointments and offenses when a current dispute arises. This is a sin. There is a danger in ruminating on our own past failures (Phil. 3:13-14). Honor your spouse by not ruminating on theirs. Embody God’s forgiveness towards them (Ps. 103:3).
6. Don’t compare your spouse unfavorably with others in terms of looks, abilities, etc. This is related to the example given in point #4 above. But point #4 is a more subtle danger. This point is a more overt danger. Alistair Begg reminds us that the Bible speaks of being faithful to “the wife of your youth, not the wife who looks like a youth.” This goes for wives as well. Faithfulness expressed via focusing only on your spouse is an act of the will more so than it is the result of emotions. It is fundamentally a choice, a commitment. Remember – there is no way to take in the garbage (e.g., porn, shady billboards, soap operas, cheap romance novels, etc.) and still value your spouse as you should. They can’t co-exist.
7. Don’t take someone of the opposite sex into corners of your life that should be the exclusive domain of your spouse. This is meant holistically. The line between a physical affair and an emotional affair is infamously porous. Beware of sharing intimate details alone with a member of the opposite sex that you should only share with your spouse. Would you be discussing that certain issue or topic with this person if your spouse was present? Also, your shoulder is only for your spouse to lean into or cry on. If someone of the opposite sex is an emotional wreck and comes to you for help, be all for helping – but if something feels “off,” it may be better to point them to someone of the same sex who will be able to minister to them.
8. Don’t allow each other the type of freedom that so easily breeds neglect. You and your spouse are two individuals, and that should not be forgotten. There is a twisted type of “one-ness” that is synonymous with “smothering.” That said, you are two individuals, but you are two united individuals. “They [husband and wife] shall become one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24) Flesh in Hebrew is not less than physical, but it is not only physical. It refers to every aspect of the marriage union – physically, emotionally, intellectually, materially, etc. This implies that what matters to one matters to the other. Therefore, keep up with each other. Make informed decisions together. If you’re on a work trip or get delayed in coming home from the office longer than you anticipated, call your spouse.
9. Pray daily for the health of your marriage and the harmony of your home. We pray for the things we care about. Lack of prayer reveals that something—at least momentarily—is not high on our agenda or that we think “I’ve got this.” Praying for your marriage keeps you dependent on Christ and keeps you soft and tender towards your spouse. Marriages usually don’t suffer from animosity—they suffer from indifference. Indifference is deadly. Prayer guards you from deadly indifference.
10. Be sacrificial in the expression of your love for each other. You likely remember things you did for your now-spouse before you were married, when you were in the dating/engaged phase of your relationship. Nothing was too much to do for him/her! In fact, your love and devotion felt as if they were not complete until they were expressed in a way that cost you (literally and/or figuratively) something. What about now? Ask yourself: What have I done in the last week that was an act of sacrifice on my part for my spouse? This doesn’t need to be something huge. Most of (married) life is lived in the mundane—washing dishes, folding laundry, taking out the garbage, playing with the kids, a few minutes’ conversation before bed, etc. How you do these things (presuming you do them) matters. If you want to fan into flames devoted love to your spouse, act! We far too often wait until we “feel like it.” It’s true—our actions do often arise out of what we think/feel/believe (and this is often as it should be). But it’s a two-way street. The converse is also true: what we think/feel/believe is fed by what we do. If you choose to honor your spouse through your actions, don’t be surprised if your heart’s affections towards him/her also rise.
11. Be imaginative, daring, and occasionally extravagant in displaying your affection. If the prior point involved “normal” daily rhythms, this point is geared more towards those “special” moments when you go above and beyond—your spouse’s birthday, a special anniversary, or “just because.” Again, you remember things you did for him/her before marriage. How about now? A couple of quotes by Alistair Begg are helpful here. First, “Righteousness is not a synonym for boring.” I can’t improve on that, so I won’t try. Second, “If you don’t become imaginative and creative, you will either die a boring man [or woman], or you will find someone outside your marriage to do those things with.” God gave us creativity and imagination for his glory and the good of others (including our spouses). Even for those of us who might deem ourselves more “left-brained,” we have little trouble finding sparks of creativity and imagination for the things we care about. It may take some of us more work than others, but we still do it.
12. Be sure your children aren’t the glue that holds you or the wedge that separates you. If your (married) life revolves only or primarily around the kids, beware. They’re eventually going to leave (hallelujah). Is your marriage strong and healthy enough that this transition will be impactful, yes, but not reveal the lack of a solid foundation?
13. Be ruthless in resisting anyone or anything that will draw away your affections from each other. Points 6 and 7 highlight the need to be on guard against competitors (e.g., pornography, a grumbling spirit that sees only your spouse’s weaknesses, relationships to members of the opposite sex that become dangerously intimate emotionally) to the intimacy and relational health of your marriage. Those things are obviously bad and dangerous. However, this point (#13) is drawing attention to the fact that even good things – if they don’t take their proper place – can harm one’s marriage. In order to say “yes” to a better thing (in this case, treasuring and stewarding one’s marriage relationship), other things that are intrinsically good but not as good (e.g., spending available non-working hours on a hobby, with your friends, or simply doing what you want when you feel like it) must be said “no” to by comparison.
14. Be ready to listen to – and speak with – one another about what is going on inside each other’s hearts and minds. Seek true intimacy. The following statement is a bit of a stereotype, but stereotypes exist for a reason: when it comes to intimacy, men generally tend to think in terms of the physical realm, and women generally tend to think in terms of the emotional/relational realm. These realms are not mutually exclusive of each other. Instead, they are meant to complement one another. But if one of these is more foundational, it is the emotional/relational realm. A consistent habit of unhurried talk with each other is vital. If you have the desire to do this better, but simply don’t know how (I’m looking at us, husbands), check out this resource for helpful marital conversation starters (pp. 25-31).
15. Be certain that a great marriage is possible with divine enablement and human effort. Perhaps the most important word of that previous sentence is and. For grammar nerds, and is a conjunction; it joins two things together. So, a great marriage – one whose aim is to make much of God and to regularly and joyfully sacrifice for the good of your spouse – is possible with divine enablement. You will not be able to do it in your own strength. But this is not to say that you “let go and let God.” A truism that applies here is that you get out what you put in. If you invest in your marriage, you are more likely (I say “more likely” because I know there are exceptions to this rule) to be rewarded with a rewarding relationship that is mutually beneficial. The apostle Paul sums this both/and principle up beautifully: “Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” (Phil. 2:12b-13)
16. Be aware of how quickly time is passing, and seize the day. There is a way to be so fixated on the reality of death that it does more harm than good. But acknowledging death’s reality is also necessary for a life well-lived. There is a difference between being morose and being sober-minded, and Christians are called to the latter. This earthly world is not our home; we are just passing through, and we have no guarantee of what the next 24 hours hold for us, let alone a decade from now. James, the half-brother of Jesus, states, “You do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” (James 4:14) I have personally found that when I consider that one day, the marital relationship I have with my wife will be severed by death, it (helpfully) changes the way I look at her. Suddenly, petty arguments seem just what they are – petty. The reality that Jesus died not only to secure salvation for my wife but also because of my childish anger and impatience, sobers me to what is truly important. What about you? Have you considered that one day in your marriage, either you or your spouse will be sitting next to the other’s hospital or hospice bedside, holding on to the other’s hand until all the color in one of your faces is completely gone? In an age where the transience of life is not a popular subject, I submit that thinking more often about this scenario (but as those who have hope [1 Thess. 4:13]) would do us, our marriages, our families, and the church much good.