Should I Get Married If My Parents Don't Want Me To?

Marriage is hard enough on its own, even when a couple has been happily married for half a century. But sometimes difficult questions arise even before an eventual marriage is actualized on a wedding day.

One of the questions that can arise for dating or engaged couples is, “Is it dishonoring to my parents to get married when they don’t want me to?” The short answer is, “It depends.” Let’s start with what the Bible makes clear.

God gave parents to children for the nurturing and protection of children (Prov 22:6, 29:15). Because of this reality, children are instructed by God to honor their parents, starting with obedience when they are young (Col 3:20, Eph 6:1). This honoring of parents seems intended by God to endure beyond just the years a child lives at home under their parents’ roof (Lev 19:32). Not only are parents made in the image of God (as all mankind is), but the natural familial relationship adds some weight to honoring one’s parents. And there is a sense in which parents are owed honor whether they deserve it or not. Christians are told to count others as more significant than themselves (i.e., to give honor/respect to others), and this is rooted in the foundational gospel truth that Jesus gave us dignity by going to the cross for undeserving sinners (Philippians 2:3-7).

Now, the above paragraph is absolutely essential. It is the necessary starting point. But it doesn’t say everything. The paragraph above reflects biblical truth in an overarching, big-picture way – much like a good sermon would do. That is, a faithful pastor will preach the Bible in a way that is applicable and true in a panoptic, broad manner. But it is very difficult in a typical sermon to apply Scripture into the nitty-gritty of niché scenarios. This is because there is no way possible in a sermon for a pastor to address every imaginable situation that a given passage of Scripture relates to. Real life is way more “staccato” than a sermon. So let’s consider some other biblical principles that might relate to our question.

There is wisdom in older generations that should be heeded. Solomon’s son Rehoboam failed to heed the wisdom of his father’s advisors, and consequently the nation of Israel became divided (1 Kings 12). But more years lived on earth does not automatically equate to wisdom, nor does youth automatically mean a lack of wisdom. Nor does honoring an elder mean the same thing as agreeing with them. While Scripture makes it clear that honoring parents means obedience for children (in the context of family dynamics at home when the children are young), in other places Scripture simply says to honor one’s parents (Exodus 20:12). In Exodus 20:12 (along with Deut 5:16, where the Ten Commandments are repeated), honor does not seem to be tied to any particular age or stage of life, while obedience (Col 3:20; Eph 6:1) is connected to the season of childhood. In other words, it would seem that honor/respect is always due a parent, but obedience is not required in the same way when the child becomes an adult.

If a parent does not want their child to marry a significant other, some questions are worth considering:

• Is the parent a Christian? If not, the parent’s motives and rationale are less likely to be God-honoring. While the child must still honor/respect the parent, the parent’s input will perhaps not be treated with the same seriousness.
• What would happen if the child wasn’t, say, in their early 20s, but instead was in their late 30s? Would this change the optics of the scenario? It’s hard to justify a parent telling their 38-year-old child that they forbid them to get married (though they might have reasons to encourage not getting married). Besides age itself, what is substantively different about a 22-year-old getting married versus a 38-year-old getting married?
• Why does the parent not want their child to get married in the first place?
  
  • Is it because the child is dating an unbeliever? The parent’s concern makes sense in this scenario (1 Cor 7:39).
  • Is it because the child and the significant other are in their late teens or early 20s and perhaps still in school? Many parents do not want their child to get married until the college years are finished (and maybe even the first few years of their ensuing career). It may be wise to delay marriage, but parents need to acknowledge that this is their preference, not a matter of right versus wrong. Many marriages thrive when starting while in school, and many marriages fail despite school being in the distant past.
  • Is it because the parent senses a lack of maturity in their child? This is a difficult issue to discern. What differentiates the lack of relative maturity when young (this kind of lack of maturity is linked to lack of experience) versus a lack of maturity that is truly problematic (this kind of maturity may be linked to a lack of character)? The latter category may merit some caution. The former category is just part of life (no one would ever get married if this kind of maturity had to be “full-grown” first).
  • Is it because the parent fears losing the child’s loyalty? This is not a good reason to push back on their desire to marry. Children are intended by God to grow up, gain independence as they mature into adulthood, and (for some) get married and start their own families (Gen 2:24).

There are a thousand other particular details besides the possibilities above that could play a factor. The family background of a potential suitor to their child may bother some parents (“Honey, ______ comes from the ‘wrong side of the tracks.’”). Financial concerns may play a role as well. I remember one couple who was engaged, but not yet married. The woman’s dad liked the fiancé well enough, but put a high premium (perhaps too much) on how much money the fiancé was going to make in his career.  

Another thing that needs to be admitted is this: at times, there will almost surely be variance of opinion rooted in generational differences. Each generation needs to recognize this reality and exercise grace towards the other position (Rom 12:10; 1 Cor 13:7). Nothing is automatically better simply because it’s more new, and nothing is inherently worse for being older. The same could be said in reverse.

Linked with the generational differences are cultural differences. Sometimes the generational and cultural differences are two sides of the same coin (because the culture of a previous generation is going to be different than the culture of the next generation). None of us are a blank slate. Cultural trends in our generation, family, and circles of influence shape us. We tend to think similarly to what the people and prevailing thought patterns around us believe. As a result, it is absolutely vital to not conflate biblical commands with our own preferences that have been shaped by the cultural and influential tides around us. If we’re honest, we often treat these biblical commands and our preferences/opinions as equal. We must be humble enough to admit that sometimes the very reason we fail to distinguish these categories from each other is because we have been swimming in the same metaphorical waters so long that we have become conditioned to certain ways of thinking. We have been breathing the same air (to use another metaphor) for so long that we don’t even realize that it’s happening.

As a general rule, the younger generation (the one wanting to get married in our scenario) needs to heed the concerns of their parents and not be dismissive. God may be using their parents to point out concerns or dangers that the younger generation is not aware of. Even if they thoroughly believe their parents’ views or concerns are not valid, this doesn’t excuse the mandate to honor their parents even in disagreement. To borrow an old colloquialism, “spit and chew.” In other words, use discernment. Even if the balance of the parents’ stance is not sound, there could be a seed of truth to it. Consider what is good. Graciously disregard what is not.

The older generation (the parents in our scenario) often needs to examine the roots of their desires and hold them up to the scrutiny of clear biblical instruction. Does the Bible speak dogmatically to their concerns, or is this more a matter of wisdom and/or preference? Is it primarily biblical impulses that are guiding their thinking, or is it their own opinions (shaped by a host of factors in their own background) that are primarily guiding the way? The latter is not necessarily a bad category, but it is not on par with Scripture.

In conclusion, a couple who is considering marriage but facing some opposition by at least one parent who is in the picture should do the following:

• Understand why the parent has their concerns. Is there any merit to the concerns?
• Ask God to give you wisdom and a discerning heart. You want to be the kind of person who would handle this situation well, not simply do a particular thing (as if there is only one possible way to respond). This situation is not like math (2+2 always equals 4).
• Seek counsel from godly and/or trusted individuals. Especially if the parents in question are not believers, it is all the more important to have other wise believers speak into your situation.

I realize I’m not giving a black and white answer to the original question. Do I find it plausible that a couple could wisely decide to marry against their parents’ wishes? I do. At times do I think this could be a foolish decision? Absolutely. Not every scenario is the same, and wisdom is required (Prov 26:4-5).