Marks of a Mentoring Relationship

Consider this post as an exploratory conversation, intended to get a discussion going as opposed to providing exhaustive, definitive answers. This post is intended to continue the conversation begun by Pastor Travis’s sermon from Jan. 12 (here). Part of what I appreciate about his sermon is that he emphasized that mentoring relationships (discipleship by another name) are vital, but he also refrained from the easy temptation of describing exactly what that should look like (though he did allude to some characteristics and examples of a mentoring relationship).

In my judgment, mentoring—especially within a Christian/church family context—is a challenging thing to define. Err too far to the practical side, and one runs the risk of portraying such a relationship as a one-size-fits all straightjacket that easily discourages people. Err too far on the valuable-yet-abstract side, and one runs the opposite risk of leaving individuals without direction and positive examples. This is a hard needle to thread, and not everything that could be said about such a topic can fit into one sermon (or blog post) and answer every potential question.

The following are some questions (and my attempt at answers) that some of us might have—especially on the practical side of things—when it comes to contemplating a mentoring relationship, whether from the mentor or the mentee perspective. These questions are not in any particular order, but the common denominator is (I hope) that they foster good thinking regarding this topic.

• Question: Who initiates a mentoring relationship? The would-be mentor or the would-be mentee?
• Answer: I think we have to say that there’s freedom for this to go either way. A person could ask an older adult whose character they respect if he/she would be willing to meet with them periodically. Practically speaking, I do think this is likely the more common direction the relationship starts in. But I could also easily envision a scenario where an older individual explicitly tells a younger person that they would love to serve them in that role, and the relationship starts in that direction. All sorts of details could affect how this gets initiated.

Incidentally, it’s worth stating the obvious: someone has to make the offer or the request first. And I think the would-be mentee more often (not always!) is in a position to do this, because (in theory) they are the one who recognizes their need and desire to have such a person pour into them. It is my impression that—all things being equal—it is easier and more natural for someone to ask, “I respect you and would like to purposefully spend more time learning from you. Would you be willing?” than it is for an older person to say “I think you would benefit from someone like me in your life. Would you allow me to do that for you?”

I also think more would-be mentees would be willing to ask this question if they believed more would-be mentors would say yes.

• Question: How do I actually go about getting to know other people in such a way that I can gauge whether they’re the kind of person I would want to have this relationship with in the first place?
• Answer: We have to get creative. This will demand that we get to know more people than only those in our gospel groups (e.g., arrive at church fifteen minutes early and talk with the people in the row behind you; come to Wednesday night courses; invite someone from your cohort over to your house for supper; etc.). A natural mentoring relationship could be fostered within a gospel group, but due to the fact that the gospel groups at Rocky Creek are usually structured according to age brackets (i.e., there’s usually little generational crossover within the same groups), it may be outside of a gospel group that this relationship is formed.

• Question: Where does a mentoring relationship lie on the formality spectrum?
• Answer: Regarding the level of formality, a mentoring relationship should lean towards being informal. Mentoring is not counseling (which would be a more formal setting focused primarily on a particular concern or problem). “Informal” and “purposeful” can go together. You’re meeting in a coffee shop, eating a meal in one of your homes, or just talking over the phone periodically (as just a few examples). If a would-be mentee is unsure exactly what to talk about, but knows they would like to have an older, wiser individual pouring into them, reading a book or going through some other spiritually-related resource together might serve as a good guide (along with giving the mentor something to supplement their own influence).

• Question: Does this relationship need to be explicitly named and recognized as “mentoring” by both the mentor and the mentee?
• Answer: I think the answer depends. Certainly at times the relationship is overtly recognized as mentoring (e.g., “Would you be my mentor?”). When this can happen, it’s a good thing. Calling something by its name can be clarifying. At other times, I think mentoring may occur without that term ever being used. I am aware of scenarios in which a friendship between an older and a younger individual of the same gender has organically developed into a de facto mentoring relationship, though an explicit offer or request for mentoring never occurred. The key factors are: 1) that the relationship has developed, 2) that humility was demonstrated by one individual in recognizing the wisdom of being influenced, and 3) availability was demonstrated by the other individual in sharing their wisdom.

As another common example, consider a stay-at-home mom of three children. Though this would rarely be called a “mentoring relationship,” this in effect is what we have. She is spending time with her children, availing herself to teach and influence them. Or consider the gospel group leader who invites a member of his or her group out for coffee for the sake of checking in on their life. This may never be termed a “mentoring relationship,” yet many of the things desired within such a relationship are occurring (e.g., time spent together, caring about things that matter to that member, offering suggestions and feedback, etc.).

• Question: Is “mentoring” just “friendship” by another name?
• Answer: Perhaps in some ways, yes. They’re not exactly the same. Not every friend would be considered a mentor, but (ideally) every mentor would be a friend. And every healthy friendship should absolutely be influential in shaping one’s character (and “influence” is yet another key feature of “mentoring”).

Part of the challenge is that terms like friendship, mentoring, and accountability all have overlapping qualities, yet there are some points of nuanced difference as well. But for the sake of showing how friendship and mentoring are similar, consider features that are important in both:

• Voluntary – it can’t be forced
• Trusted – you must admire and trust the character of a friend or mentor
• Mutuality – this is certainly true in a healthy friendship, but even in a mentoring relationship, there should be some level of give-and-take
• Scheduled – this may seem more obvious in an explicit mentoring context, but even in a good friendship, there must be time intentionally made to spend together
• Relational – friendship and mentoring are closer to being a “way of life” than they are to being an “event”

Comprehensive – though often originating out of a particular topic or issue, if friendship or mentoring remains solely fixated on just one thing (e.g., repetition on one goal or one besetting sin), this isn’t the ideal; friendships and mentoring relationships flourish when they are holistic, encouraging individuals towards joy and obedience to God in all areas of life